


It's not my fault I love you

by stopdrinkingthemilk



Series: We'll find a way out [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Nonbinary Matsukawa Issei, Pining, Slow Burn, Trans Boy Iwaizumi Hajime, Trans Girl Hanamaki Takahiro
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-14
Updated: 2016-09-14
Packaged: 2018-08-15 02:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8038021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stopdrinkingthemilk/pseuds/stopdrinkingthemilk
Summary: He ran away from that scene as soon as the tears ran down his face, and apparently, he did that very quietly, for none of them noticed he’d even been there. They were probably too busy swallowing each other’s faces.





	It's not my fault I love you

Whatever he was about to do was completely forgotten, for the shock caused by what was happening right in front of his eyes pushed the task out of his thoughts. This was too much. Iwaizumi felt a familiar source of warmth, a warmth that came from his eyes, one that was streaming down his cheeks. His body had control over his mind at that moment. He didn’t realize he was running until he was at home, his father holding him in his arms. He knew his father had asked what happened, his mother joining the embrace. His mind was still foggy, almost blank from all the information he’d absorbed at once. The room began to be completely filled with silence as time ticked by and the sound of the boy’s sobs slowly died down. Only then, Iwaizumi finally gave mumbled words of explanation to his parents’ questions.   
“I don’t think Oikawa’s straight.” At this point, his siblings had joined the scene and were carefully listening. Before any of them could question him, saying _Isn’t that supposed to be good news?,_ he continued, “He was kissing Matsukawa at the fire escape.”  
Saying that out loud was like stepping on what remained of his broken heart, crushing all the tiny glass shards to molecular proportions, completely destroying his heart of glass. He simply escaped from everyone’s embrace, running to the safety of his room. 

 

“I… It’s so hard for me to say it. It kind of makes me embarrassed, you know?”  
“You don’t have to tell me, though… I mean, you don’t really seem comfortable with it.” They chuckled.  
“No, it’s really not that. I mean, I trust you with it. I know you won’t tell. Besides, I decided to break the ice, like… I don’t know, ease up the awkwardness post coming out as trans– Hey! Don’t laugh! You know I’m doing my best here!” Iwaizumi threw a pillow at Matsukawa, which they easily caught before it could hit their face.   
“Yeah, I know, I know… I appreciate it.”  
“Well, thank you. I am a very kind person, indeed. I’m aware.”   
“And also a very modest one…” This time, iwaizumi picked up the pillow and began to hit Matsukawa with it, starting a quick pillow fight.  
“I have this… _huge_ crush on Oikawa.” Looking down, Iwaizumi blurted out, ever so suddenly, as the eagerness and energy that came from their little war died down.  
The awkwardness that filled the air was palpable due to the silence that followed his confession. Such silence was first broken when Matsukawa spoke up.  
“Well, now I know what to use as blackmail–” A pillow hit their face, hard, shutting them up.

 

He threw himself on his bed, pressing his face to a pillow as he went through the earlier experience on his mind. He and Hanamaki went to their usual ‘lunch spot’, as they like to call it, which was the back of the school, where they studied or saw the homework through, basically just staying somewhere quiet by themselves during lunch time. Apparently, some kids had taken it before they did, for some reason. Hanamaki and Iwaizumi looked around, searching for somewhere quiet for them to stay, and so the first place both thought of was the fire escape staircase: it was always empty. On their way there, they discussed their studies. Hanamaki suddenly stopped on her tracks.  
“Crap! I forgot my Math book. It’s in my locker, dammit! Just go on, or else someone might take even that staircase. I’ll catch up to you, it won’t take long.” She said as she already began to make her way her locker.  
“Sure! I’ll just wait for you when I get there!” He shouted his answer back at her.  
He opened the door to the stairs, turning to his left so he could walk down a few steps but was paralyzed the moment he came across make out session – and a very intense one – between Oikawa and Matsukawa. He ran away from that scene as soon as the tears ran down his face, and apparently, he did that very quietly, for none of them noticed he’d even been there. _They were probably too busy swallowing each other’s faces._

 

"Hey, Iwa. What's-"  
"Why the fuck would you do that?!" Iwaizumi yelled, interrupting them.   
"Did wh-"  
"Shut up! Why'd you- _make out_ with Oikawa like that after all we've talked through, after all I told you?! I- I trusted you with a secret, Mattsun! I trusted you with something that kept troubling and confusing me! And I trusted all you words, all your advices!"   
"Iwa-"  
"I trusted you, as my friend, to help me through this, Mattsun! And the first thing you decide to do-" Iwaizumi couldn't hold his tears. He tried to move away when Matsukawa made a move to hug him, but gave up.  
As they rubbed his back in a soothing motion, Matsukawa opened their mouth to speak, but decided against it, in order not to mess things up harder. Both stayed silent, the only sound being Iwaizumi's crying, which, by the time he broke the silence, were slowly reduced to quiet sniffs.   
"What led you to do that?"  
"Well... It's quite a long story." They sighed, "Oikawa was the first person I told I was not cisgender. We were at his house that day, and we spent the entire day speaking of thoughts, doubts and all kinds of stuff that involved our identities, and, uh, he told me how he wished to experiment with people of other gender identities, and so our talkbegan more and more personal. Basically, by the end of that day, we ended up, you know, making out... And, well, we kept doing that, as an experiment. For the both of us. And all of that just kept on drawing us closer, though simply as friends. It is our little secret." They, sighed, staring ahead as they paused. They turned to look at Iwaizumi's eyes "That's why I didn't tell you then."  
He looked away, thoughtful.  
"How long has this been going on?"  
"About a year and a half."  
"And..." Iwaizumi hesitated, "How far have you two... gone together...?"  
Matsukawa opened their mouth to speak, but slowly sealed it back again, looking down.  
"Iwa... I'm pretty sure Oikawa doesn't have any... _romantic_ feelings for me."  
"Do _you?”_  
" _No._ "   
The room fell heavy with the silence, the tension almost palpable. Unspoken words filled the air, words that needed to be transmitted, confirmed. 

"So..." Iwaizumi felt compelled to initiate them, "how are we going to work this out?" He knew Matsukawa didn't _want_ to let go of Oikawa this soon, but whether they were willing to or not...  
"Well... considering Oikawa certainly feels nothing for me, he won't hesitate to turn his back to me."  
"So you are saying that... while we don't get together - if we do - you want to continue your little... _business."_  
"Yeah... If you are okay with it."  
"We'll see that."

 

There had been two whole weeks of seing Matsukawa and Oikawa sneaking away from the crowd every single break. Iwaizumi couldn't take it anymore.  
"Makki."  
"Hm?" She didn't even look away from the book in her hands.  
"Oikawa and Mattsun have been hooking up during the breaks for, like, a year and a half."  
"Wh-"  
"Don't tell anyone I told you, please! It's just- Two weeks ago I caught them in the act, so I asked Mattsun about it and they told me it has been their little secret through all this time, so they didn't say anything about it back when I told them about my crush on Oikawa, but it kills me everytime the two of them separate from us and I just can't take the fact that they might have gone *very* far together, but I also get mad at myself for that, like, *I* am the intruder, afterall." Iwaizumi took a deep breath and turned to look at Makki, who clearly had too much information to absorve.  
"Wow." She finally managed.  
 _"Sorry."_  
"Well, hold on. Let's take it slow, shall we?" She said, setting everything she had in hands aside. Iwaizumi nodded, "So... you have a crush on Oikawa, which began...?"  
"This year. About five months ago."  
"Right. And you told that to Mattsun, who'd secretly been hooking up with Oikawa all the while, since the very beginning of last year."  
"Exactly."  
"And you caught them doing exactly that two weeks ago, during the break. You talked to Mattsun and found out they didn't tell you anything because they wanted to keep their and Oikawa's secret."  
"Yup."  
"And the fact that now you know what they have been doing during breaks makes you feel disturbed because of the thought of them together. But at the same time, you recognize it's not anyone's fault, so you feel bad for getting jealous."  
"Yes. That's it."  
She took a deep breath and sighed.  
"Well, your anger is understandable, but it shouldn't get in your way. I guess everything is good, as long as you _naturally_ don't - and _can't_ \- stay mad. Because, if you _stay_ mad at them, it means you are letting a boy ruin your friendship. So, the thing is, _has_ that happened to you at some point?"  
Iwaizumi began to reflect, thinking over the moments he spent with Matsukawa in the last two weeks, then the ones they spent together before that. He didn't remember looking at them differently, speaking to them differently, not desiring their presence. In fact, it was almost like he completely forgot everything, since there wasn't any time he even came to think of that, apart from lunch time. Their relationship was still the same. He smiled, relieved.  
"No..."


End file.
